What the Others Will Never Understand
Yaelingatthewind
Summary:
“Dear Garak,
I miss our talks. We haven’t spoken in what feels like a long while now. We saw each other 2 weeks ago on video call over subspace, but in person it has been nearly 3 years.
Before you start to worry, nothing’s wrong, its just that…”Years after Bashir left Deep Space 9 he sends Garak a letter trying to come to terms with everything that has happened and what his relationship with the man means to him.
Notes:
This has yet to be Beta read and will be updated in the coming days once it has been looked over by a friend. In Andrew Robinsons A Stich in Time Garak writes a letter to Bashir with memories scattered in between. This was written as a sort of response to that. (though it can be seen as not exactly connected to the book and you do not need to have read it for this)
Any comments are appreciated and any mistakes are all my own, and hopefully will be remedied in an update when this is beta read.
This is set around 3 years (maybe longer) since Starfleet withdrew from Deep Space 9.
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Work Text:
Dear Garak,
I miss our talks. We haven’t spoken in what feels like a long while now. We saw each other 2 weeks ago on video call over subspace, but in person it has been nearly 3 years.
Before you start to worry, nothing’s wrong, its just that…
I miss you Garak. I miss watching Cardassian epics, even though I never did find them as exciting as you had. I miss curling up on the sofa, and just being around you when I was in a bad mood. I miss just how comfortable things were. I think those moments were one of my happiest, despite the struggles of war.
I think the others thought we grew apart, but in truth they did not understand.
“Garak, its not that I do not enjoy these dinners and literary discussions into the late night, but why the sudden change? What was wrong with our lunches, and don’t say it’s the Replimat’s food. If anything your replicator produces far worse.”
“Dear Doctor, let me tell you something about stitching seams.
A good seam is clean, even and sturdy; properly reinforced in those places of heavy wear. Not all reinforced seams are created equally mind you, some are external and ever so gaudy. You can try and dress it up, but no one with real taste would willingly choose such a garment, and who could blame them? Hmm? People of taste hardly wish to associate with those dressed as if they were a labourer.”
What did that have to do with the question? “I’m not sure I quite follow..”
“ No dear doctor, a truly great reinforced seam is clean, invisible and sleek. Think of a well cut jacket or sleek pair of trousers. Fashionable even. A well-made garment can transform a man from looking like an uncouth labourer to a man in the height of fashion. But I digress”
“are you trying to tell me that we cant have our weekly lunch because of you are not a fan of how I dress?”
“Oh honestly you are missing the entire point! Oh dear Doctor do I really have to spell this out!? The man was never the problem in the first place, it was his clothing. Put him in a well cut outfit, and people will flock to him.”
It took a long moment but he finally understood.
“You don’t want to have meals in public with me because of appearances? Because people tend to think less of me when I’m in your company?” That was it wasn’t it? And to be honest Garak had a point, ever since they had shifted their weekly meal to dinner in one of their quarters usually at late hours, the rest of the station staff seemed to warm up to him, hell even Miles and him had started to become close friends. Not to mention that his own medical staff seemed to like him more.. As long as they thought he was distanced from the Cardassian, people liked him all the better.
“I said nothing of the sort doctor, I’m shocked you would suggest that, I simply was telling you how bad support stitching can ruin a garment”
While it’s true that lunches became dinners, and, on the surface, we began to speak less in public, growing apart couldn’t be farther from the truth.
If anything we grew closer during the years and despite everything that went on in our day to day lives and the frustration and harshness that the war caused in our attitudes….
We talked for longer each week, spent more time together, eventually you asked me to start calling you by your first name, that’s when I knew I could truly trust you. First names mean a lot to your people. In writing it just feels wrong to use it.
In public, even in the same room you could feel the distance between us, but alone.. Alone was not like that, when we were alone, I was safe. I could be myself even if you never fully dropped that mask of yours. We curled up on the sofa, I could bury my face in your shoulder and chest when things were rough, and I just needed comfort.
Because things were rough and war can break a man. Even as old wounds heal the trauma of being prisoner at the hands of the Jem’Hadar never fully goes away.
Even writing that sounds scandalous, and I feel the need to write that we were both fully clothed. It’s funny isn’t it, needing to write that because the voices in my head can be judgemental.
The others would get the wrong idea about our friendship if they saw how close we were. Dax would have tried to push the “love” word around. Try to get us to admit some kind of deep heartfelt feelings or something. Because most tend to think these actions only are romantic, and maybe to you they were. But not for me. For me its different.
Garak, it took me years to understand. YEARS! Rather ironic for one with a genetically modified brain.
I had always wondered why none of my relationships worked out. It’s just that I had always thrown myself into them, wanting to find that romantic moment, that spark , the thing that makes you feel that this person is “the one”….
The thing about relationships is you feel the need to please the other, to try and do things because you think they want you to. Even if it leaves you feeling empty inside; I had always thought that was normal, as long as the other was happy it did not matter if you felt something was missing. You know that Vulcan quote “The needs of the many”
Actually do you know that quote?
Sorry my mind is just all over the place today.
I understand now that I don’t need a romantic relationship to be happy, and the idea of chasing after some silly notion of romance because people tell you this is how things are and that you just haven’t found the right person if you not felt that magic spark so to speak.
Garak, I can already see you rolling your eyes at all this, me having spent many lines on a tangent, but please keep reading. I never had to change myself around you. I did eventually come to understand that you at first may have wished for more – but you never once pushed me to be something else, be someone else. You let me be me and I was happy with our friendship.
Dax once joked that you and I were like a cute elderly couple, back when we still were having our weekly lunches, she said it was adorable how we were always bickering over silly things. She said that for a Cardassian argument was flirting, and I don’t honestly remember if I ever fact checked that or just didn’t care.
I hadn’t wanted to risk our friendship over that. Whatever your feelings were, I knew I could not reciprocate them. It was selfish of me to go along as if I knew no better, but I was content with things, happy even….
Speaking of Dax, you know how hard Ezri and I tried to make things work. Well maybe not as hard as she would have liked.. In the end things fell apart. I let things fall apart. My heart was just not there.
My family life has always been complicated, and perhaps that is why I am the way I am. I never really had a stable relationship to look up to, and all I have done has just repeated the circle of instability.
I spent well over a year after trying to sort out my feelings, and I realised that chasing after an idea was pointless. I was so interested in Dax as a joined Trill that I got it in my head that I wanted something more, but when it finally happened… Well I first thought I was happy, but that happiness vanished when reality set in…
You know what just ignore all that, Ezri and I haven’t spoken in a long time.
After years of pretending, confusing admiration for love I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really like people in that sense. I like the idea of romance, but in practice I don’t think it’s for me.
And in truth after years of trying to force things in my life I don’t really want a romantic or relationship nor a sexual one. None of that made me happy, and none of it was in the name of love.
I don’t think I see love as something romantic, but that doesn’t mean I am not capable of it. I’m not a computer Garak.
No matter how I look at things, I think I was the happiest when I was around you, just being myself. You are infuriating and drive me insane, and despite all this Garak, despite me at times wanting to strangle you for all the things you pulled and the danger you put yourself through… I miss you, I miss getting to be around you. I been trying to figure out what we are. Because we are close. Closer than friends yet not in a relationship in that sense. Does it even matter? I’m happy. I don’t think we need to label things. But it is clear to me that this is love, at least in my own kind of way.
You once told me that Cardassia could use a doctor such as myself to help in the rebuilding.
I think what you were trying to tell me was that you wanted me to come to Cardassia with you. Perhaps I should have taken those words more carefully.
“And what my dear Doctor will become of you now that Starfleet is pulling out of the station?”“Ezri has mentioned possibly going back to Trill for a while,” a long silence passed before he had continued “I may join her.”
“And is this what Doctor Bashir wants? Or are you going for Ezri?”
“It would give me a chance to study the symbionts in more detail, the Commission said I was welcome to train there” He had done his best to sound enthusiastic.
“The great Doctor Julian Bashir, doing lowly research work ..I feel as if your talents would be wasted on Trill”
He threw his hands up in frustration “What would you have me do Garak!? I don’t have many options!” Ever since his status had been made public, he knew he could not return to Earth, nor Starfleet Medical. “Just because I was able to keep my licence does not mean Starfleet accepts me as I am! No ship seems to want me, and I’ve already contacted Deep Space 2, 4 and 12 and it’s the same thing!” he was frustrated at all of this, without Sisko to recommend a posting, he forever would be living in the shadow of his genetic enchantments and the legal ramifications they presented.
“It seems to me dear Doctor that you are running, why not go to where you will actually matter?” The space between them lessened. It hurt to hear the words spoken because deep down he knew Garak was right. He was running.
“All I am saying dear Doctor is perhaps this Federation can no longer offer you what you need, Cardassia could use a doctor with skills such as yours to help in the rebuilding.” The unspoken question all too clear to him.
He shook his head, “Garak..” He had wanted to agree, to go where he would be needed but Cardassia was not his home, he would not belong there.
“I can’t” trying to find words to explain why, “The Federation..” he stammered “I would need to put in a request to Starfleet” a lie, an excuse and his voice betrayed all.
Garak had remained silent, his cold stare his only form of response. Finally he tore his eyes away from Garak, unable to bare the cold stare any longer and glanced down at the floor.
“It would not be fair to Ezri..” Ezri.. he owed it to her to try and make things work. And to do so he would have to let go of whatever he and Garak had. It would only complicate things further.
Finally this had drawn a reaction from Garak
“It is one thing to hide behind politics, but ‘fair to Ezri.!” The snappy tone of Garak’s voice said everything “Do not try that with me Doctor, I am no fool. It seems I thought too highly of you, and yet here you are trying to lie to me. To me of all people, really! I thought you were better than that”
“Don’t say that.. this is a great opportunity, very few outsiders are allowed to study under the Symbiosis Commission.” He had tried to sound enthusiastic, but Garak could read him better than most.
“The next time you decide to lie to yourself Doctor, find another fool to do it in front of! I believed you smarter than to throw your life away at the request of a therapist.. Maybe it is for the best, after all, you would not enjoy such a broken world as Cardassia..”
I thought maybe it would be best to just leave things as they were before I ruined our friendship. After all you were going home to Cardassia, and I figured you may have wanted to take time to settle back home. I would only make things harder, maybe even ruin our friendship, just as I had so many relationships in my past. At first I thought maybe I had, given how we frequently we fought near the end.
But I haven’t ruined it have I?
We speak for hours each time we call, and you always hint at how lovely the weather on Cardassia is, or how I would love a number of Cardassian places. I get it. I truly do.
I apologise for my ramble, what I have been trying to write this whole time is;
I will be attending a medical conference on Cardassia in a month’s time and presenting a study on field surgery in under equipped field hospitals. I would really love to see you Elim. I mean it. In person for dinner, and maybe even one of those new Cardassian epics you enjoyed telling me about. Even if it’s only a few days, I hope things between us can be like they were back then.
Who knows maybe I’ll stick around after the conference ends?
Notes:
And that’s a wrap. This fic was written over the course of a week (with the majority laid out in 2 days) This fic really started around me trying to create a missing scene explaining why Bashir and Garak grew apart after the Wire.
While I do love the interaction between the two characters, I do not see the relationship as anything more than platonic. They are close but sometimes thats enough, people can be content with such a deep friendship
,.
Writing Bashir as leaning asexual seemed to make a lot of sense to me, He is constantly chasing after a love that will never be, never content with how things are. I think he loves idea of romance but in reality its not for him.
I know there will be those out there who say its not a good portrayal of asexuality, but I based Bashir’s thought process on all this after my own experiences as someone on the ACE spectrum